A marriage is not only about love, being committed, or having a shared routine… but also about all the times you don’t have to say anything to each other.
No one tells you about the times you wait for someone to come home from work, the conversations you start but never finish, or the times you feel far away from your spouse yet still feel close enough to touch.
It is often thought of as an emotional connection that you have with your partner, which resides beneath the surface of day-to-day interactions… there are times when this bond is strong and secure, times when it’s fragile, and times when it’s strong and powerful.
You can tell a lot about your emotional connection in marriage based on the way you listen to one another, how honest you can be with each other, and how well you are able to see each other without needing to explain everything.
The emotional bond between you both may grow with little or no effort; however, it may also slip away slowly due to the number of responsibilities, stress, and the phrase “we’ll talk about this later.”
These are not one-time dramatic events, nor do they appear to be major problems; however, they create many different feelings over time with your spouse.
In a marriage, emotional intimacy is that subtle sensation of knowing that you are sharing experiences with each other, both happy and unhappy times.
Emotional connection also includes feeling that you can trust your partner enough to be open and honest with them, regardless of how messy or vulnerable you might feel in the moment.
It’s an understanding that your partner is seeing you – not just your role; sometimes this will be through deep and thoughtful conversations; sometimes it will be a brief moment of eye contact across a crowded room, and at other times it will be a moment of silence while just enjoying being together.
At times, you may not notice an abundance of emotional connection; however, when the emotional connection has been lost, all other areas of the relationship seem more burdensome than before, correct?
Marriage has been defined as love, commitment, and partnership… but the emotional part is more muted, subtle, and complex. Emotional intimacy does not always look like the movies or the late-night conversations.
It is the way it weaves itself into misunderstandings and growth. These are the things that are not often discussed, but they are what make a marriage feel safe, connected, and understood.
Emotional connection in marriage does not always feel like a romantic or passionate experience with butterflies in your stomach, or even feel the same as passionate conversations full of passionate feelings for one another. Emotions can be experienced calmly or boringly, even though they’re still emotional connections.
For example, after a long, hard day, you may check in with your partner or simply “chill” together, doing nothing. In a busy life, where life takes over, you may have a lull in romance, but emotional closeness will still exist in the background.
Although love may feel less exciting due to circumstances around you or your emotional experience may feel less thrilling, love grows and deepens without the larger-than-life experiences of romance or big moments.
Bigger discussions can have a place in our lives; however, the basis for building an emotional connection and developing closeness happens between those large discussions through day-to-day interactions.
A disagreement can be softened by using a gentle tone, remembering little preferences, and providing comfort without being asked, which will add up and create signs of safety and caring over the course of time.
As we neglect to provide any validity to these types of actions, our distances get further apart and occur slowly over time. We sometimes do not recognize this absence until later, and emotional bonds develop stronger (or are diminished) based on how we interact with one another on an everyday basis.
You don’t have to agree with your husband or wife in order to build intimacy. The strong emotional connection that you can create as a couple is from the experience of being validated and respected.
Validation does not necessarily mean agreement; it simply means that you are acknowledged. When one partner’s emotional expression is met with curiosity instead of being defensively brushed off, there is an opportunity for trust to be built.
Over time, this helps create an environment of emotional safety. Disagreements will be less threatening to both partners when each of them has a sense of having been seen, regardless of which side of an issue they may be on.
The outside appearance of a marriage may be stable, while inside, the emotional connection is being lost.
Disconnection can be masked due to the daily routines and responsibilities shared, coupled with each other, politely talking or speaking to each other about logistics rather than sharing how you feel with each other emotionally.
What happens is that this disconnection can occur slowly/gradually, and therefore could cause you to feel lonely while still with your spouse (or partner). Thus, if you find the distance early, reuniting or reconnecting will be less painful and/or less stressful for both of you when it happens.
An emotional connection in marriage has to be created as well as maintained. Each of these aspects of your relationship, emotional connection/connection, will change due to stress, seasons, and your own growth.
While most marriages exhibit strong emotional connections, all need to be nurtured through intentional emotion check-ins, curiosity in your partner about developments, and providing time to be vulnerable, which requires work.
This does not mean your marriage is in trouble; it does mean that the growth/evolution of both individuals should evolve the connection (or lack thereof).
When emotional intimacy is lost in your marriage, often people assume it is lost forever. This is not the case if both partners are willing to invest their time and energy to rebuild. Re-connection can be achieved through small actions versus large, significant events.
Honest communication, accountability to each other, and being less defensive are important for renewal, but will take more time than quick solutions. Rebuilding closeness and intimacy may feel slow; however, small changes will develop closeness with time.
Just as partners develop throughout life, their emotional connection in marriage will transform along with each partner’s individual evolution of experience and/or personal circumstances (i.e., emotional growth, stress).
What had previously felt connecting to a couple may not now offer them the same sense of connection; however, this does not indicate that their love for one another is less due to failing love; this is just an indication of the maturing of their relationship.
For many couples, keeping the emotional connection alive will require ongoing learning about one another (with empathy and enthusiasm) more than once throughout their entire relationship.
Re-establishing an emotional bond can occur despite time or a tumultuous experience. However, re-establishing an emotional bond will not occur instantly! An emotional bond grows through many little purposeful moments of truthfulness and compassion.
Re-establishing an emotional bond generally starts with a couple beginning to listen differently, being less defensive toward one another, and allowing one another the opportunity for vulnerability again (it may be uncomfortable at first, but it is completely normal).
Rebuilding is not a matter of acting as though the past does not exist; it is about an agreement among the couple to get to know one another at a deeper emotional level now.
Many couples have reported that utilizing a guide, having shared resources, or using an expert’s insights and opinions regarding this process can make this endeavor less daunting to them.
Websites like marriage.com help facilitate these types of conversations and provide tools to aid couples in reconnecting through patience, clarity, and hope.
Emotional intimacy between spouses is seldom overt or marked by loudness. It is built through honesty, patience, and showing up time after time, regardless of how difficult it may sometimes seem.
Sometimes being emotionally intimate feels easy, while at other times, it can take much more from you, and both experiences are perfectly normal.
What matters is that you become aware of the little nuances of change; moments when there is no longer tension due to understanding, but rather an abundance of caring and closeness due to distance being eliminated.
Emotional intimacy in a marriage isn’t about getting it right or maintaining constant harmony with each other; it’s all about making the choice to love each other time after time, even when you feel uncomfortable doing so.
When you develop an awareness of this simplicity and demonstrate compassion through your choices and small intentional actions, your emotional connection will not only endure but very often grow because of your emotional connection.
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